Living Life in the Friend Lane

Living Life in the Friend Lane
Or, Loving You Is Strange and Involves a Lot More Teriyaki Sauce and Acid than I Typically Enjoy On a Routine Basis

an informative article by "Nasty" Ron Rotten
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While snorting coke of a good friend of mine and strangling a cat the other day (which, let me tell you, is a lot more fun than those people on moveon.org will have you believe) I was interrupted by a girl. No ordinary girl, either -- I happen to like this one more than is considered safe. Well, this girl had stuck me in the friend zone pretty hard, so, naturally, my reaction was to smile wanly at her, excuse myself, and walk quickly outside to fume, bits of coke still falling from the nostril and rapidly drying cat blood clinging desperately to my wrist as though they were the jaws of life.

"Wait a moment, Ron. You seem to be really overreacting," you interrupt me to say. "Also, that cat isn't going to finish strangling itself."

Let's go ahead and set up a basic definition of the friend zone and what it means to you (the reader). I'll assume you're a male, or at least a lesbian. There is, of course, also the possibility that you are a curious little wanker who ignored my warning at the end of the article, but I'm going to completely ignore that scope of things. So, the friend zone: one of the oldest, most common and unintentionally diabolical traps women have set up which tricks gullible losers into an eternity of mental enslavement. Typically women who do this are in (or have had in the past) a relationship with a Real Man*. Given that the Real Man doesn't typically soak up their entire backlog of emotional problems into himself as though he were a slightly damp sponge, the girl has a need for someone who can act as that sponge.

Sometimes the girl is lucky and already has gullible losers as friends who can fill this need. If she doesn't, the time is ripe to find a spineless nice guy to put into the FRIEND ZONE.

The spineless nice guy in question will initially be lured in, via flirting or other undisclosed 'woman methods.' However, when he tries to act on a burgeoning love for the girl, she reacts with "I don't want a relationship right now" or something else. Check this handy chart for reference (close equivalents may also be used):
* "Thanks for listening, you are such a great guy."
* "Why can't more guys be like you?"
* "You're so cute!"
* "Someday you will make someone very happy."
* "You are like a brother to me."
The nice guy will assume that he is in the wrong -- probably believing himself to have 'come on too strong.' Outside of the 'you are like a brother to me,' most of the lines lead him to believe there is still hope. Immediately, he will back off -- leaving him ripe for the flirt, use as sponge, dispose of cycle all over again.

I'm sure some of you are now asking the question, "Is there hope?" The answer should be obvious to every optimist in the audience - NO. There is no hope. No hope at all. You have a better chance at singlehandedly curing cancer, world hunger and the problems of religion using nothing but a leaf, a dead bee, and your ingenuity**.

EDIT: I did some research. Girls I know tend to disbelieve or claim to be unaware of the friend zone. Men can safely ignore this kind of verbal crud. Treat it as you would the Lifetime cable network -- stamp it out when it floats into your field of vision and ignore it during all other times.

FOOTNOTES

* a Real Man cares deeply for the girl he's in a relationship with, but has better things to do than listen to her if she complains about how if he leaves the toilet seat configured improperly she will explode, how calling twice a day isn't nearly enough, and other shit nobody cares about.

** Pro tip: If you are a nice guy, or if you don't think this article applies to you, you have an ingenuity rating between zero and negative one.

*** Pro tip: It's not bacon.

WARNING

This article is intended for men -- bitter, cold-hearted, cynical men (so they can get a chuckle) and for spineless, wishy-washy nice guys (so they can wake up and smell the bacon***). Lesbians might get some enjoyment, I honestly don't know. Heterosexual women are discouraged from reading it. However, if you're here because you skipped to the end to see how it turned out, I personally commend you.